Water vs WineYou are an English cyclist training to participate in the Tour de France in a couple of months.
After a long day of cycling along the track, your muscles are spent and your water bottle has been drained of its last drop. Absolutely //dying// for a glass of water (and quite honestly famished as well), you decide to stop for a rest in a local town outside a vineyard. You park your bike outside a nearby café and take a seat outside.
A stereotypical French waiter - twirly mustache and all - comes out to greet you.
"Bonsoir, monsieur,"he says as he hands you a menu, "How are you this evening?""Positively spent,"you say with a tired grin. "Spent all day training for the race coming up, you know?"The waiter nods. "Of course, of course. May I start you with something to drink?"He hands you a wine list.
You place the list on the table without much thought. "I could really go for a glass of water, actually.""Ah, non, non. You see, Englishman, you are in France now. In France, we drink wine."You blink, stupefied by what this man just said. Your dry throat throbs at even the thought of wine.
What do you say in response?
[[I 'm sorry. What?]]
[[Ah ha, very funny. Now, my water, please.]]
[[You 've got to be shitting me.]]
The waiter sniffs. "'Ow vulgar. We do not serve customers with that kind of attitude. You can leave now, monsieur."Without another word, the waiter begins walking away.
...what the fuck just happened?
[[Call after the waiter]]
[[Forget it, I 'll go somewhere else]]"Oui, you heard me,"the waiter doesn 't even look at you as he speaks, "We serve wine here, sir. Along with the finest pâtisseries France has to offer. Would you like to order?"There is no way in hell this place has no water. But is it worth the energy to call him out on it...?
[[Insist on the water and tell him it 's an emergency]]
[[I think I 'll go somewhere else...]]The waiter fixes you with a look. "I 'm quite serious, monsieur. It is wine, or nothing at all. We are outside a vineyard, no?"Good Lord. He 's serious.
"So you don 't have any water at all? Am I hearing that right?""Oui, that 's correct, monsieur. Now, are you going to order? If I may recommend the rosé..."That can 't be legal. From what you know of local laws, restaurants are legally obligated to give their customers water. What will you do with this information?
[[Go fetch the water yourself. They have to have it somewhere, after all.]]
[[Call the waiter out on his bullshit.]]
[[God, this battle just isn 't worth it. Just order the damn rosé and pretend it 's water.]]
"Excuse me! Sir! I don 't think asking for water is that unreasonable, frankly!"The waiter doesn 't even look back at you, only raising a hand dismissively. "If you would like water so badly, you may drink it from the Rhône. Good day, monsieur."With that, he goes back inside the café.
You sink into your seat, fuming. Through the window, you can see that smarmy waiter - get this - drinking from a steel water bottle. Your temper fumes to a boiling point, and a crazy thought crosses your exhaustion-riddled mind.
What if you...
[[Attack him for his water]]
[[No, that 's stupid. You know what your dehydrated mind is telling you is not stupid? Drinking water from the Rhône river.]]
[[Both of those ideas are ridiculous. Just go somewhere else before you hurt someone.|Forget it, I 'll go somewhere else]]Forget this. There 's bound to be somewhere else nearby that sells water. It 's //water//, for god 's sake.
With a muttered curse, you get your bike and leave the café.
''END: Not Worth the Effort ''You storm into the café and sock that waiter in his elitist Frenchy jaw. You grab his water bottle as he hits the floor, out cold, and start gulping down its contents.
You 're so thirsty that it takes you a moment to notice that it 's not water you 're chugging...it 's wine.
By the time you 're spitting the offending drink out, another staff member has already called the authorities and, since apparently the police station is right down the street in this small town, you can already hear the sirens outside. It isn 't long until you 're being taken away in handcuffs, just as thirsty as you were before.
Hey, at least you can ask the police for a cup of water from your cell.
''END: Jailbird ''Yes. Clearly this is a great idea, the waiter even suggested it to you. You just need some goddamn water.
You go outside the town where the river is flowing and take a generous gulp. Then two. Then several more. Ah, it feels so refreshing on your parched throat...
A week later, you die of cholera. Good job, you.
''END: Stupid Games, Stupid Prizes ''You make a show of holding your hand to your throat and rasping your voice as much as your can. "I don 't think you understand, sir. I need water, right this instant, or I 'm afraid I may drop dead. I am severely dehydrated, you see..."The waiter snorts. "You are just being dramatic, I am sure."You choke on a dry, hacking cough and fold in on yourself in your seat.
"Alright, alright! Fine! I will get you your silly water, sir."The waiter stalks into the café in a huff, and you sit back up and smile triumphantly.
He returns with a generous bottle of water, and you pour it into your glass with a smirk. The cold beverage feels like nirvana soaking your throat.
Ah...you knew those improv lessons would pay off, someday.
''END: Give That Man an Oscar ''"I think I 'll take my business elsewhere, then.""Pourquoi?!"the waiter exclaims in a disdainful tone, "I assure you, monsieur, we offer your nothing but the most authentic French experience!""If the 'authentic French experience 'means the only drinks you offer are wine, I 'll have to pass, thanks. Unless, of course, you don 't want to lose my patronage...?"The waiter glares at you. "You drive a hard bargain, monsieur. Fine, I relent. If only so you do not complain to my manager."It takes only a moment for him to retrieve an ice cold water bottle for you. Man, it may have taken being a bit of a Karen, but if that water didn 't taste all the sweeter for it.
''END: Don 't Make Me Get The Manager ''You go into the café, ignoring the protests of the waiter, and search for a bottle of water. After coming up empty in the main dining room, you enter the kitchen.
"Sir! Sir, you cannot go in there!"You ignore the protests of the waiter and the odd looks the chefs are giving you because there you see it: bottled water. Your salvation.
You manage to get one gulp in before the manager appears and kicks you out. Still. Worth it.
''END: Shhh, I 'm Hunting Water ''"Actually sir, I 'm fairly certain you 're legally obliged to serve water as an eatery in France."The waiter sniffs. "And what is the law, sir? Show it to me."A quick Google search confirms that yep, it 's a law. You show it to the waiter, who reads it closely and blanches. He quickly gets you water after that.
''END: I Don 't Want No Legal Trouble, Monsieur ''"Fine, just give me the rosé.""Excellent choice, monsieur, you will not regret it."The waiter takes the wine list and goes into the café, returning shortly with a glass of pink wine.
Fuck it. You take a sip. It 's very sweet, and you have to admit it 's delicious, but it does nothing for your thirst.
You sip more and more, order more once it runs dry, hoping to quench your thirst, but no such luck. You end up thoroughly drunk and pass out in the town square 's fountain that night.
You wake up the next day with a headache, the blinding light of the morning sun in your eyes, and worst of all, the same. damn. thirst.
''END: Rosy Morning ''
